A letter to my younger self

Dear younger me, 

I have some advice for you, and that’ll come later, but first I want to thank you.  

Thank you for being so adherent to your treatments and giving me the best chance possible! For sticking out and doing all your physio sessions. For sticking up for yourself to get the best possible care. It’ll be something you too are grateful for in the years to come. 

Thank you for being such a shining star of a human being! We’ve been called assertive, energetic, and determined in the past. These should all be taken as compliments! We lose our way a little as a teenager, but now in my mid-20s, every day I strive to be more like you. 

I know you are starting to feel different from your peers because of having a chronic illness, and in terms of your queer identity. I want you to allow yourself to explore those feelings. There is nothing wrong with asking to speak to someone (or doing some internet research without feeling guilty!). Psychologists will become a major part of your CF team going forward. Be kind to yourself and open up about your struggles. There will be people that can help, or help you help yourself. And using CF as an excuse to get out of classes you don’t like or weekend plans is not helping you feel like you belong, so please stop that. 

Stop trying to grow up. CF means growing up really fast. The sorts of decisions you’ve had to make and the relationships you’ve had to build with healthcare workers and your parents is unusual. So be a child while you can! Make the most of lunchtimes at school and just have fun with your friends even if it means missing the occasional treatment or pushing yourself a little every now and again. 

Try your best to not let people make you feel you’re ‘too much’. You will find people to laugh with and feel comfortable around. Every time you discover new things about yourself, you’ll find new people that help you on your way. Having friends for a short time is no bad thing. There will also be those who stick around too, but it will take time so be patient. 

You know all those notebooks you’ve half-filled with stories and comics and pretend newsletters? Well, congratulations, you are now well on your way to becoming a writer so keep scribbling away and you’ll get there one day. 

And finally, enjoy sunsets as they are limited for everyone. Take time to lie down and stare up at the sky watching the clouds pass over. Okay, maybe not lie down flat as that will definitely make you cough, but appreciate nature and the world and the beauty around you. It is now one of my favourite things to do. 

We’ve had tough days, haven’t we? But look at all the memories this life has given us! 

Stay true to yourself, 

Sarah